Arquivo da categoria: Piada em inglês

How will I manage after that?


My mother, who is 93, lives simply but comfortably in an assisted-living home. Even though she has ample savings, she is always worried about the state of her finances.

My brother-in-law tried to ease her mind by telling her:

— I’ve calculated that, given your expenses, you have enough money for at least the next 16 years.”

— That’s fine, but how will I manage after that?

Vocabulary Help

  • ample savings – uma boa poupança
  • assisted-living home – retiro para idosos
  • at least – no mínimo
  • brother-in-law – cunhado
  • ease her mind – despreocupá-la
  • enough money – dinheiro suficiente
  • expense – gasto
  • manage – me virar, gerenciar
  • mother – mãe
  • tell (tell, told, told) – contar, dizer
  • That’s fine – está bom
  • worry – preocupar

Fonte: EFR

Did Noah fish?


A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”

Vocabulary Help

  • Sunday school – escola dominical
  • Noah – Noé
  • fishing – pescaria
  • ark – arca
  • reply – responder
  • worms – minhocas

Fonte: EFR

Blind Man in Texas


There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!”

The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.

He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.”

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Vocabulary Help

  • arrive – chegar
  • bathroom – banheiro
  • beer – cerveja
  • between – entre
  • big – grande
  • blind man – cego
  • don’t flush – não dê a descarga
  • fall (fall, fell, fallen) – cair
  • feel (feel, felt, felt) – sentir
  • hand – mão
  • instead – ao invés de
  • lead – conduzir
  • mug – caneca, jarra
  • say (say, said, said) – dizer
  • scared to death – assustadissimo
  • seat – assento
  • shout – gritar
  • skip – pular
  • swimming pool – piscina
  • trip – tropeçar

Fonte: EFR

PMS


— What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?

— Lipstick

Vocabulary Help

  • lipstick – batom
  • PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome) – síndrome pré-menstrual
  • woman – mulher

Fonte: EFR

The last wish


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

— Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. Why Wal-Mart?

— Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

Vocabulary Help

  • ash – cinza
  • daughter – filha
  • elderly woman – senhora idosa
  • I’ll be sure – terei certeza
  • preacher – pregador, pastor, reverendo
  • request – pedido
  • scatter – espalhar
  • tell (tell, told, told) – contar
  • twice a week – duas vezes por semana
  • want – querer, desejar
  • will – testamento

Fonte: EFR

Blind man


Two female privates are ordered to paint the general’s office. They are warned not to get paint on their uniforms. So they lock the door, strip off their clothes and get to work. An hour later, there’s a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” they ask.

“Blind man.”

Thinking nothing of it, the privates open up.

“Hi,” says the man. “Where do you want the blinds?”

Vocabulary Help

  • blind man – pode ser “homem cego” ou “instalador de cortinas”.
  • blinds – cortinas
  • clothes – roupas
  • female – mulher
  • knock on the door – batida na porta
  • later – mais tarde
  • lock – fechar
  • office – escritório
  • paint – pintar
  • private – soldado
  • strip off – tirar
  • warn – alertar

Fonte: EFR

Date


Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking.

Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. , dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car…a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner…a marvelous dinner… Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… So you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

 

Vocabulary Help

  • answer – resposta
  • ask me out for a date – pediu para ter um encontro comigo
  • bring (bring, brought, brought) – trazer
  • crazy – louco
  • dessert – sobremesa
  • die – morrer
  • downstairs – andar de baixo
  • dressed – vestido
  • enjoy – gostar
  • fine suit – terno elegante
  • give (give, gave, given) – dar
  • go out – sair
  • last – última
  • Lobster – lagosta
  • marvelous – maravilhoso
  • nice – legal
  • show up – aparecer
  • talk – conversar
  • tear off – rasgar
  • tell (tell, told, told) – contar
  • turn into – virar
  • wear (wear, wore, worn) – usar

Princeless


An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right”, Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Vocabulary Help

  • at no charge – sem custo, de graça
  • elderly couple – casal de idosos
  • forgive – perdoar
  • good reason – boa razão
  • heart surgery – cirurgia do coração
  • hurt – ferido, magoado
  • loan – empréstimo
  • lose (lose, lost, lost) – perder
  • mean – dizer, significado
  • mortgage – hipoteca
  • pay – pagar
  • recall – lembrar
  • remember – lembrar
  • shortly after – logo após
  • soon – logo
  • unfaithful – infiel

Must help the wife


Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

Vocabulary Help

  • attic – sotão
  • boss – chefe
  • count on you – contar com você
  • haul – puxar, arrastar
  • heavy – pesado
  • house cleaning – limpeza da casa
  • need – precisar
  • reply – responder
  • see (see, saw, seen) – ver
  • short-handed – falta de gente
  • stuff – coisas
  • wife – esposa

How much will this cost me?


Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.